After all these years...

I had forgotten that I even had a blog up until tonight. Normally I wouldn't put my feelings out in public but after years and years of recording my life in my personal journal, I feel like I just need to put my mind out there. I doubt many people will read this but I still put it out there just the same.

Things have been hard lately.

I have a hard time summing my feelings up in words, but I'll do the best I can.

I gravitate between rage and sorrow on a daily basis, unsure how to handle myself. My sister recently called me a walking contradiction and that statement struck me hard. You see I have a really hard time trying to find a sense of stability in my life. I seem to jump from one feeling to the next in a fleeting moment.

I was in love once. I thought we would spend our lives together, but I was delusional. We were never on the same page, and I was always trying to push things. I thought if I tried hard enough I could make you love me. But the whole thing broke me. Now I submit to a daily regimen of antidepressants and the heartbreaking memory of what was. I think about when we held each other and I clung to the possibility of never ending happiness. Then, I wouldn't have believed that I would eventually spend my personal time alone, watching sad movies and crying as Rose says "I'll never let you go, Jack."  No amount of music in the world can fill the hole that was left. I have literally lost a part of myself since you were in my life.

I have an extensive list of songs I listen to when I get like this, and below is a sampling of some of those songs. There are two categories of songs that are included; the sad songs and the rage songs. I tend to go back and forth between both feelings rather frequently.


The one side:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=csw3zdqRuOU
-My Everything

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tuxwisuHJ7U
-Colorblind

https://youtu.be/KQu8FOjJXdI?t=1m32s
-I Love You

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8wKU-jaus6w
-Manhattan

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=feZ3acHNxXg
-The Harold Song

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NJWIbIe0N90
-Who Knew

https://youtu.be/tFEkErGUjCU?t=10s
- On My Own

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eM213aMKTHg
- Need You Now

https://youtu.be/Ahha3Cqe_fk?t=20s
- The One That Got Away

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l38MAcuDblk
- Over For Good

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nabO_UXb6MM
- A Fond Farewell

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sxaq2Hn3U_k
- God Knows I Tried

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HPam_3D9eXU
- Hello (Evanescence, not Adele)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ho9xM9n2USA
- No Good In Goodbye

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o_1aF54DO60
- Young and Beautiful
         - Mostly this one just breaks my heart every time I hear it, and reminds me how tragic life is.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JBrLgmjkeuQ
- Bumper Cars



The other side of it:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_RrA-R5VHQs
- Call Me When You're Sober (Specifically at 2:20. I feel like this sums the whole thing up perfectly)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T4tefnQGtNY
- Hell No

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I_NPCEeyrmg
- Love Into the Light

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OUe3oVlxLSA
- Gonna Get Over You

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6bAPlojfgO0
- Pity Party
         - Melanie Martinez is a badass bitch, and I love her music.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b7esfC0bDVU
- So I Dance

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s8QYxmpuyxg
- My Happy Ending

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H5ArpRWcGe0
- Dark Side

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cVLF0G3v_0U
- Where Do We Go

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wvzfOyW0ZMo&feature=youtu.be&t=1m31s
- Take Me Home

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jZhQOvvV45w
- Good Life

https://youtu.be/X9YMU0WeBwU?t=47s
-Yoü and I

Someday I hope to find more stability and peace. For now, I have my cats to keep me company.